


Five stages of grief

by Velvet_Velour



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Little comfort, M/M, Mild Language, Spoilers for TPP, Unresolved Feelings, VKaz, VKaz Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-09 01:18:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12265986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velvet_Velour/pseuds/Velvet_Velour
Summary: Five times Kaz sees Venom as a mere copy, and one time when he doesn't.Vkaz week 2017 Day 3: Things you don't know





	Five stages of grief

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: [Hayyie](http://hayyie.tumblr.com/) and I did a collab, she drew [this beautiful work](http://hayyie.tumblr.com/post/166031037525/day-3-what-you-dont-know-vkazweek-a) that’s so perfect I’m crying, and you should check it out right now!! Thank you once again.

Ocelot lies, it’s what he does, Kaz knows that much. This time, however, he tells Miller the truth. Under layers of denial and anger, bitterness carved so deeply in his very soul, Kaz wishes it was yet another lie.

It’s not, and the truth of Venom Snake’s real identity hits him like a punch straight to the face. In a way it’s worse than the loss of everything he and the _real_ Big Boss built together, nine years of waiting, and all that pain inflicted by his torturers in Afghanistan.

After that when Kaz is alone the storm of thoughts in his mind doesn't let him sleep.

Despite Ocelot telling him truth for once (half–truths, really, stubbornly guarding the real Snake’s plans and location), Miller's first instinct is to refuse to believe it.

Now that he's lying on a cot in a room on the medical platform, staring at a white ceiling, he doesn't want to believe that the man who came for him wasn't the one Kazuhira waited for nearly a decade.

 _A perfect copy_. Ocelot's voice echoes in his head.

 _Is he, though?_ There’s something about Venom Snake that Kaz can’t understand.

When he finally falls asleep, events from the previous day replay in his head and he almost believes it’s Big Boss who came for him. But the hand that touches his face is cold, as red as blood smeared on the phantom’s face. He wakes up with a jolt, his skin shining with sweat. His missing arm hurts, and he can barely stand looking at the stump.

One of the medics comes to check on him, and there’s a hint of worry, of _pity_ , in his deep voice that makes Kaz irrationally angry. He orders the man to leave him alone. His throat still hurts when he speaks though it doesn’t stop him from barking orders at the medic. Once the medic is gone he wonders if anger is all he’s allowed to feel.

When the door slides open again, Miller’s ready to reprimand the man for disturbing him when he made it very clear he wants to be left alone. Words die in his throat noticing the one who came is–

( _not you_ )

–the phantom with Ocelot walking behind him like a shadow.

“How do you feel today?” Venom asks and sits down on a chair next to the bed. “If there’s anything you need just call one of the medics.”

Ocelot stands behind him like a silent statue, arms folded on his chest, looking rather disinterested. Or perhaps it’s just his usual expression. _Are you here to check if your puppet behaves like you trained him?_ Miller’s cheek twitches. He shoots a glare at the Russian who in turn raises an eyebrow pretending he’s surprised by all this anger directed at him.

“I’m fine, Boss,” Kaz finally says, wishing both of them would leave him the hell alone. “I don’t want to keep you here.”

Venom opens his lips but hesitates, a glint of worry in his eye, and in this exact moment Kaz sees it for the very first time. Big Boss would get up and leave, while Venom lingers here by Miller's side after coming to check up on him because _he's worried_ –

( _What about you?_ _Do you even care?)_

The difference between those two is so tremendous it’s almost unbelievable.

 _He's a perfect copy_.

 _He's not_. Kaz wants to scream. _He's not, he's not, he's NOT–_

“Are you okay?” the phantom asks and Kaz almost melts hearing genuine concern in his voice, in the voice of Big Boss. Nine years of waiting made him so weak and vulnerable he nearly gives up and lets out a sob.

He doesn't. He's pathetic enough, he doesn't need more pity, especially not from this puppet. _Why is he still here? The real one would be on another mission already, wasting no time._

“Yeah,” Kaz says after a painfully long moment of silence. He cannot stand to look at the phantom, so he glances away. Thankfully his aviators hide his eyes.

Ocelot gives him a curious look. What fucked up things he's done to himself this time to believe his own lies? It must be easy for Ocelot to make himself forget. By forgetting the truth he rids himself of responsibility. How convenient.

Yet it’s a gamble, telling Miller. What if Kaz decides to just tell the phantom everything? What would happen then with the perfect illusion Ocelot created?

“Ocelot, could you leave us?”

The question comes out of nowhere. Even Ocelot is surprised, judging from his expression.

“Of course, Boss.” He nods and leaves, seemingly completely disinterested. Once the door closes behind him, and the jangle of spurs can no longer be heard, Venom moves closer. The bed creaks faintly under his weight when he sits down.

“You don't need to lie to me, Kaz,” he says in a low voice that sends shivers down Miller's spine awakening a deep, desperate longing. That's the exact same voice Kaz dreamed of hearing for nine long years. How is that even possible that the phantom has the exact damn voice?

“I’m not,” he stubbornly assures, hoping to end the conversation before it even begins. “I’m fine.”

A wrinkle appears between the phantom’s brows as he frowns, not believing the obvious lie. He doesn’t pressure, asks no further questions. For a moment he simply looks at the Commander with an expression Miller can’t quite decipher.

Then his good hand reaches out to touch Kaz’s face, and the resemblance between the original and the copy is so striking that for a second Kazuhira is ready to believe it all was merely a joke and it’s really Big Boss sitting by his side.

But just when Venom’s fingertips caress his face, Kaz flinches and turns his head away. His left hand grips the bedsheet so tightly his whole arm trembles while the right– (doesn't exist; if it did it would ball into a fist ready to punch).

Back on the helicopter he'd let him; he wanted something more than a gentle touch holding him in place. If Kaz hadn't been so weak, he would have pulled Snake close to devour his lips and remind himself that those nine years meant nothing – nothing at all – and they were still where they left off despite everything.

Kaz flinches and the phantom instantly takes his hand away and straightens his back.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't...” Venom Snake says, completely failing to mask the hurt in his voice. “You need to rest.”

He moves back and Miller can almost see an invisible barrier between them.

“Glad to have you back, Kaz.”

Kazuhira feels his hand shake. The illusion was broken when Ocelot told him who Venom Snake really is. Now Kaz sees nothing but flaws in this so–called perfect copy.

 

* * *

 

He decides to do his job no matter what, ignoring the fury boiling inside him every time he realises how disposable he is, how little he’s worth especially now when all he can do is to sit behind a desk.

At times he considers leaving. At times he’s so angry he can barely breathe. No matter what, Kaz wakes up every day and does what’s expected of him. Diamond Dogs grow and expand with each passing day, and that’s all that matters. He won’t let nine years go to waste, no matter how bitter he feels.

Ocelot trained the phantom well. He’s excellent at following orders, Ocelot orders in particular though they’re usually voiced as _polite requests_ instead.

_Did you train the phantom to accept your every word?_

After Quiet is locked up in a cell on the medical platform, it's Venom Snake who pays Kaz a visit. Miller hears knocking ( _Why the fuck does he knock?!_ ) and ignores it for at least ten minutes, staring at a report, not really seeing it. Another knock, another five minutes pass, Miller’s hand begins to shake, he nearly tears the paper into pieces. Then the door opens revealing it is, in fact, the phantom patiently waiting outside.

Kaz frowns but says nothing when Venom walks in, quietly closing the door behind him. At first he just stands there like he’s unsure what to do. Kaz nearly screams. The real Big Boss wouldn’t even bother, no–one would dare to question his words, not even Miller.

“Quiet will be useful for Diamond Dogs. I could use a good sniper in the field.”

Venom’s voice has nothing of that sharp authority Kaz is used to. _Tell me it’s done and over. Remind me to never question your orders_. _It's not me who's in charge. Not me, not Ocelot, not anyone else._

“Boss,” Kaz says carefully, the paper in his hand crumpled into a ball. “Do you really want to risk having that thing watching your back? By bringing her here you put all of us in danger.”

Maybe if he pushes hard enough, the phantom will finally snap. Venom observes him, the shade of blue of his eye different than John’s (or maybe it's because the phantom doesn't frown that much).

“You’ve seen what she can do,” Kaz continues, anger punctuating his every word. “How do you plan to make her obey your orders, Snake?”

Venom listens as if he was really trying to understand Miller’s point of view.

_He was made to be Big Boss, then why he doesn't play his role as he's supposed to?_

The phantom lets out a sigh. “Kaz, I told you. If anything happens I’ll take care of Quiet. I’ll be the one who pulls the trigger.”

He takes a couple of steps closer, stops in front of the desk and leans in, placing both hands on it as if somewhere deep down he was unconsciously fighting to tear down every barrier between them no matter the resistance.

“You’re angry, I get it. But I’m willing to give her a chance. It’s what Diamond Dogs stand for, right? Second chances.” Something like a smile appears on his scarred lips. “Before I go I need to make sure this won’t come between us.”

There it is again, that odd... softness of the man who was made to be Big Boss.

Miller can’t take his eyes off the phantom, transfixed, the paper in his hand long forgotten.

Venom Snake is taller. His shoulders are broader. Kaz can’t recognise the medic from the old base at all, the man's body and mind altered so drastically to resemble the legendary soldier. Yet Ocelot and whatever team of psychopaths he had at his disposal didn't succeed completely.

If it's not that medic anymore, and not Big Boss, then who is the man who stands here?

“I’ll do whatever you need me to, Boss,” Kaz says. There’s still anger burning within him, hot and suffocating, although his voice sounds oddly weak.

The phantom nods. This time it’s enough.

 

* * *

 

Nearly every day he finds traces of Big Boss in Venom Snake (or he tries to find them, no matter how difficult it may be).

Kaz shouldn’t be surprised, the man was made that way. The way he speaks (yet he tends to be unusually silent). The way he fights (yet there’s no trace of revenge in his actions). No wonder the whole world believes he’s the real thing, that people flock to him, ready to devote their lives to serve under the legend.

Real Big Boss or not, Venom is the one thing holding Diamond Dogs together. Watching him do the impossible and defeat Sahelanthropus makes Miller believe it more than ever.

“Snake!” Kaz calls out, reaching out. It doesn't matter it's just a copy, losing him would mean that the construction they all so carefully built would fall apart.

Quiet standing behind the phantom frowns at him, her displeasure clear as a day. Venom turns his head, and what happens then is so unexpected Kaz wonders if he's imagining things.

The phantom's whole face lights up, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Kaz sees the joy on the man's face, his hand trembles, and something coils deep in his gut flooding his heart with unexpected warmth. Before he can think, Venom grips his hand and gets inside the helicopter. Then he leans in, his single eye glistening with such pure, unaltered happiness at seeing the Commander that for a split second Miller finds himself paralysed, completely captivated by this display of feelings he's witnessing.

Venom gets so close Kaz inhales the smell of battlefield that lingers on the phantom's bloodied skin. He hesitates for merely a split second, overwhelmed by emotions. For that one short moment the whole world crumbles, leaving only the two of them.

( _How many nights I've dreamed of you looking at me like that?_ )

Kaz turns his head away. The moment’s gone. Something stirs impatiently in his soul making him long for impossible things.

Venom helps him sit up, his hand lingering on Miller's back a moment too long, and Kaz finds himself wishing they were alone just to check if maybe– _maybe_... Venom Snake is more than he ever thought.

He takes a deep breath. There are more important things to focus on right now.

Venom helps him get out and they walk together to face their dying enemy. The phantom holds out a gun, pointing at Skull Face's head, the creature coughing up blood and squirming in pain that looks almost pitiful. Kaz resists the urge to stomp on his face, watch his head crack open under his boot.

_What would you do?_

He grips Venom's arm, and the phantom lets Kaz guide his hand to shoot.

_You'd pull the trigger once, it would be quick and efficient, and you'd turn around never looking back._

As they stand together, then walk away from their dying enemy, Kaz can’t help but wonder if the sense of connection he feels means something more.

Being by Venom Snake’s side doesn’t seem that wrong.

Perhaps this is where he’s supposed to be.

 

* * *

 

There are puddles on the helipad, thankfully the rain stopped about an hour ago. Kaz leans on his crutch observing the phantom and Quiet talking as they wait for Pequod to pick them up.

 _Talking_ is not exactly what they’re doing since the sniper never speaks. She listens to Venom intently, nodding to let him know she understands. Miller watches them and pretends this whole arrangement doesn’t bother him in the slightest.

He sees the sniper constantly by Snake's side, hears him defending her no matter what. If he's not good enough even for the _copy_ , then how he could ever dream about–

He shakes his head. There are times he regrets not letting that grenade blow them all to pieces.

Pequod announces his arrival with his signature saying. Venom and Quiet climb inside the chopper, ready for the mission.

The phantom notices Kaz’s gaze, their eyes meet moments before the helicopter takes off. Venom pushes trough the hesitation visible on his face and raises a hand in a gesture of goodbye, his lips curling into a smile, simple and honest.

Kaz stands still like hypnotised. Something like a thorn pierces his heart and he trembles, lips opening as he gasps lightly. The phantom's expression changes to confusion, he looks like he's about to call out to the Commander. But then Pequod takes off, ending their moment of… something that Kaz isn’t sure if he wants to name.

He stands there until the helicopter can no longer be seen.

He tells Ocelot to help Snake out in the field during the mission. Ignoring the spy's curious look, Kaz gets to his room and grabs a bottle of sleeping pills. He blacks out, no dreams, no nightmares haunting him for a change.

He wakes up in the middle of the night, unsure how long he's been sleeping. Not that long if no one tried to wake him up. He dresses silently in his usual uniform and moves to his desk where a stack of papers from yesterday awaits him. From one dazed state to another; if not sleep then work will keep his mind off foolish thoughts.

When he finishes it's morning already. His hand shakes, his signature on the last report almost illegible. Cursing under his breath, he goes to the bathroom, tosses his clothes on the floor and gets under a stream of hot water.

Kaz is tired, so tired he feels it in every part of his pitiful body. But tired is good, maybe he'll be able to fall asleep on his own this time.

He carefully steps out of the shower, holding out to a handle installed specially for him. Wrapping a towel around his hips he grabs his crutch, hoping the headache that’s plaguing him won’t make his head explode. Not until he’s done with all that paperwork at least.

As he steps through the bathroom door Kaz freezes, noticing something like a nightmarish creature standing right in the middle of his room. He inhales sharply realising it’s the phantom. It’s only his mind playing tricks on him, changing the familiar form of Venom Snake into a horned beast from the shadows.

( _Is this how our enemies see him?)_

The phantom's been back for fuck knows how long, the damn Russian didn't even think about contacting the Diamond Dogs' Commander to explain how the mission went. Miller's anger is quickly forgotten as cold air hits his skin and he realises he's wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips.

There's so much want in Venom's blue eye, acceptance and the tiniest pang of concern, that it all makes Kaz unable to move. Memories threaten to break him into little pieces as he suddenly recalls years of waiting to see this exact expression on the face of a man he–

Millers lets out a shaky breath. It shouldn’t matter what he thinks, what he wanted. It shouldn’t – but it does matter, so much it’s unbearable.

The phantom approaches him, reaches out to cup his cheek. Venom's hand is warm, the touch inviting. It reminds Kaz about the moment they met, the first gentle touch after days of torture.

Then it hits him; it's the same soft touch, it always is. The phantom's hand on his back, helping him get out of the chopper. Checking on him in between missions, even though Kaz isn't sure what they're supposed to talk about. Leaning in close, too close sometimes, as if searching for a sign yet never pushing though the barrier Miller built between them. Kaz thought it was pity at first. He'd reprimand any other person who dared to help him. The phantom, however...

Venom Snake looks at him with such honest devotion the sight alone nearly unravels Kaz completely.

An unspoken question hovers in the air and Miller’s resolve wavers. Part of him wants this so much it causes something akin to physical pain. He could simply close his eyes and _pretend_ –

“Let me get dressed and we can discuss your mission,” he says in a tone so automatic it sickens him. He takes a step back, something inside him howls at the loss of contact. “That’s why you’re here, right, Boss?”

The phantom seems lost like a puppy someone left in the rain. He’s hurt, again, but he won’t do anything, respecting Miller’s decision.

_Good at following orders._

Kaz grabs his clothes and goes back to the bathroom to dress in peace, ignoring the dull ache in his chest. Once he’s ready, he sits behind his desk with Venom sitting on the other side. After the phantom leaves, Miller can’t recall what they were talking about. It was so trivial it feels like they wasted time, and yet…

His room feels oddly empty as if the space itself was missing Venom’s presence.

 

* * *

 

He doesn’t want to admit it but deep down under layers and layers of too many complicated feelings, Kazuhira Miller is worried.

Sometimes Venom Snake seems to be slipping away. Kaz isn’t sure if the concern he feels is genuine or if he simply trained himself to pretend to care about the man.

He checks the footage from security cameras three times before he gets in the car and tells Flaming Buffalo to drive him to the medical platform. He dismisses her as soon as they arrive, never noticing her confused gaze. He walks down the stairs and stands in front of Quiet's cell. The sniper is lying on her cot, sunbathing while music is blaring loudly, echoing between the walls. It's _Maneater_ this time. _How fitting_ , Kaz thinks with a bitter smile on his lips.

The noise would drive any other person crazy; Quiet, however, seems completely unaffected. He bangs his crutch on the bars of her cell. Getting no answer he frowns, anger already burning inside him. Only after he turns off the music, Quiet sits up and gives him an irritated look. Kaz mirrors her expression. At least they can both agree on their mutual distrust.

“Have you seen Snake here, going to one specific place every now and then?”

She narrows her eyes at him as if she was considering her options. Then she slowly nods. Kaz idly wonders if he should change his opinion about her.

“Show me.”

It's not an order. It _should_ be, he's the second in command here. She must obey him like every other soldier on mother base despite not really being part of Diamond Dogs. Kaz forces his voice to sound like a polite request instead, a lesson learned from Ocelot. It costs him a lot, not barking orders at this woman.

She phases through the bars like it was nothing. It obviously is, and they're all fools for keeping her on the base, endangering every single soldier. She could kill them all, and they'd never see her coming.

“Commander!” Stone Mastodon's voice shakes only barely when he salutes. He's the one patrolling this part of the platform today. Miller pays no attention to him, following Quiet up the stairs, then up again, feeling the soldier’s eyes on his back.

Quiet walks slowly, no displays of her supernatural speed this time – out of pity for him, perhaps? Kaz twists his lips and lets her lead. Hopefully she’s not wasting his time.

She points at the door leading to the part of the platform that's still under construction. Kaz nods; he expects it's somewhere around here, the footage from security cameras told him that much. Yet to get the precise location of the exact place where Venom disappears Kaz needed someone who actually saw him go there.

“Are you sure?”

Quiet makes a face, looking rather offended. She nods, pointing at the door again. Then she gives him an annoyed look as if he was wasting her precious time she could otherwise spend doing exactly nothing.

Kaz huffs. “Dismissed.”

She shrugs. She obviously doesn’t care one single bit why he’s here in the first place.

Miller takes a breath, grips his crutch tightly. “Thank you.”

Quiet regards him for a moment, her face emotionless. Her stare makes him uneasy in a way he can’t explain. Her piercing green eyes seem to look right through him. Thankfully one second later she's gone, disappearing in a puff of black smoke. Miller can only hope she went back to her cell. He'll worry about it later because now he has more important things on his mind.

Kaz takes a deep breath, the door slides open and he goes inside.

It's nothing.

He's not sure what he expected to see.

It's just a corridor leading nowhere, with a construction sign placed by the door. With everything that's been going on lately they had to spend their budget on things other than finishing this part of the platform.

Yet for some reason Venom Snake chooses this exact place to… do what, exactly? Miller lets out a sigh. Perhaps it would be easier if he just asked–

Then he sees it and feels sick to his stomach. It’s a peace sign on the wall. Upon closer inspection he realises it's painted with blood, and his whole body shakes remembering another person whose name means _peace_.

It's guilt. Miller feels it, too. This is where the phantom goes when his own memories threaten to suffocate him with guilt.

Venom Snake's mentioned Paz once or twice, Kaz didn't pay much attention to it. But it's clear now her death haunts him more than anything, the memory of _failure_ so strong it distorts his carefully created new personality.

_And how did you deal with the death of someone you failed to protect?_

Later that night he dreams of a peace sign painted with blood, red drops dripping on his face and the arm that isn’t there.

 

* * *

 

The smell of ash and smoke lingers on his skin even after he takes a long shower, the water so hot it nearly burns his skin.

Kaz reaches for his clothes, the images in his head refusing to leave him alone. Bodies of the fallen soldiers turned to ashes, and per Venom’s request they will be made into diamonds.

_Another thing he won’t let himself forget._

Kaz leaves his quarters, his step urgent, mind focused on what he has to– what he _wants_ to do. He barely notices soldiers saluting him, their faces solemn. He walks past them as quickly as his damn crutch lets him. When he reaches his destination he has to stop for a moment to catch his breath, his muscles already aching. Cursing his body, he knocks on the door.

Although there’s no answer he pushes the door open and steps inside Snake’s private room.

He finds Venom sitting on the floor. Maybe he collapsed, unable to get on the bed. Because of the white ash on his face he looks more like a ghost, an actual phantom haunting this damn place. He doesn’t seem to register that Miller’s here, his eyes staring at some unspecified point, his mind slipping away.

For one dreadful second Kaz is sure he’s going to break into pieces, that the dull ache in his chest will finally win.

Then he bites his lower lip so hard to feel blood on his tongue, a reminder that he’s still alive, that he’s still needed. Kaz sits down on the bed. His body feels heavy, his right arm hurts like it was really there. Grief swells in his throat, tears gathering in his eyes but he won't let himself cry. Not even a single tear rolls down his face, he won't allow it.

He takes a deep breath, the smell of death suffocating, then he pulls Venom close, the only comfort he can offer. He doesn’t want to think what will happen if Snake pushes him away. He can barely hold himself together as it is.

When he puts his hand on Venom’s head his touch is awkward at first, hesitant.

“I'm here.” His voice is merely a whisper. “I've got you. You're safe.”

Incredibly enough Venom Snake seems to believe him.

Venom shifts, kneels between Miller's legs, wraps arms around his waist, face pressed to his uniform as he sobs uncontrollably.

_Big Boss would never–_

_It doesn't matter_ , Kaz tells himself feeling a tremendous weight lifted from his shoulders.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Thank you for reading. Feedback is always appreciated! Kudos to Hayyie for kicking my ass into actually finishing this.  
> If you haven’t seen [her companion piece for this fic](http://hayyie.tumblr.com/post/166031037525/day-3-what-you-dont-know-vkazweek-a) yet then what are you still doing here looking at my silly comments, go look at her gorgeous art!!!  
> Sorry this is more hurt & angst than comfort. Imagine that after all this mess the boys go on vacation and then live happily ever after, adopt Dave’s 50 dogs and babysit Sunny when her “uncles” want to have some quality alone time.  
> (this is the only ending I accept, everyone’s alive and well, @kojima fight me!!)


End file.
